Yesterday, I wailed and I really did.

Why, oh why didn’t I do this earlier in life? Oh well, I can tick that box now. I sat down and watched all the parts to the God Father this weekend. Can I just say- BRILLIANT FILM. And I should NOT be saying that because I have great problems watching anything that has guns in it(blame this on the M7 war- saw guns being used first hand and never again!) . And then this one had knives being used not to chop vegetables or slice meat , well not that kind of meat. However this film I enjoyed watching- for starters, what a story!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( and this film is how old- my word!).Yes, Classic. Then for main course (get it) my brothers can never say “you come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding…..” (with faked swollen cheeks) leaving me clueless.I now get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!. And for dessert, I cried, cried, cried and then cried some more- the last scene WAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.I wailed. Like this, I was lying on the sofa with a khanga/leso thrown over me, by the time credits were running, said khanga was being used as a big handkerchief and I could hear myself sobbing, chest was tight,legs were folded, kitamba was pulled off my head. When I “managed” to console myself and tried to walk up the stairs to go to bed, dress was pulled up kipande (you know the way you lift a long dress on one side- okay the way the Somali women “fold” their traditional skirt). I contemplated not going to work today because I was distressed.

WHAT A FILM.WHAT A FILM. WHAT A FILM. Loved it. I borrowed the set in September last year and I have been putting off watching it and then this weekend I was like, “okay, I will see what the first one is like and then go shopping later.” Let’s just say, all plans to go shopping ARE STILL ON HOLD.

IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THEN THANK THE PERSON WHO TAUGHT YOU HOW TO READ.

So I am going on holiday. I tell a lie, I tell a lie. I am going on a working holiday.Yes, I will be working but I will be an hour’s plane ride away from my father’s house and that right there qualifies this as a holiday. So I need a good book to read maybe two.

WHAT HAVE I BEEN READING?

1. Ladies, allow me to introduce you to Sophie Kinsella’s books.Men, unless you have had a pedicure and manicure and gotten your legs waxed in the last two weeks, do not even bother to pick one of these up.Or if you should, buy a torch and a thick duvet and read the books under-cover.They are really girlie books. Girls, you can pick one up whether you are happy or sad.This lady will have you on the floor laughing and crying at the same time (tears of joy STRICTLY!!!).I have read 5 out of 7 of her books and I am about to read them AGAIN. EEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRR, if you have read her books and you did not like them…………PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME.

• THE SECRET DREAMWOLRD OF A SHOPAHOLIC
• SHOPAHOLIC AND SISTER
• SHOPAHOLIC TIES THE KNOT
• SHOPAHOLIC ABROAD
• SHOPAHOLIC AND BABY

Okay, I see why I like the girl……………shopaholic.

1. I finally found one- that is not the title of the book. But I found a book that had become really elusive.PAULO COELHO’S “LIKE THE FLOWING RIVER”.

Paulo Coelho is one of those authors who “had me at hello” and I really can not tell you why. The first book of his that I read was not the famous “The Alchemist” but Eleven Minutes, which scared the living daylights out of me.

1. THE HEART OF SUCCESS (making it in business without losing in life) by Rob Parsons. Rob Parsons has written another book, “THE MONEY SECRET”, was a good read but the stuff in the book is an “I already know this” kind of info.
2. P.S. I LOVE YOU by Cecelia Ahern. After reading the book, I refuse to watch the movie.

I need a good read for my working holiday. HELP!!

p.s, I dunno what happened to the numbers up there.

p.s.s who put those colourful boxes on comments, sijui they are called avaters ama nini? did I “axe” for them? everywhere I leave my footprint, I see that colourful box with zig-zag lines.If you are going to “kwesipata” me the least you can do is not be zig-zag. Ama wordpress upgraded and I didn’t get the memo?But  if  you have hang aroung this blog long enough, you know that presentation means nothing to me.  As long as we communicate. H+ -OH = H20

Please, tell me……

1. Does anyone know anyone who has suffered with Yellow Fever in the last two decades? Why, do I ask. You see these people who are making me take out travel insurance correction, ADVENTURE travel insurance to go work in my own motherland have decided that I need to top up on my vaccines. And on their list are HEP A (okay, I can see why), Diptheria (okay)  and you know why I had no problem with those ones- well, I can see the relevance.Lakini they want me to have a yellow fever jab. Now, I got this many years ago and I know the ten year span for it has lapsed for me. But what I really want to know is whether it is necessary.So tell me, anyone know anyone who has had yellow fever in the last two decades? Off to find that Kenya Airways booklet, you know the one, with the vaccine stamps in it.

I can’t believe this, when I go home on holiday I do not even take anti-malarials. I just hope that Charity or Night (both Mboochs and no the names are not made up).I am guessing Night was born at night, well until my dad calls her NIGHTIE! Yes, anyway the only anti-malarials I take are the hope that Charity or Night spray my bedroom with vigour every night.

Now onto things irrelevant. Can the democrats decide like quickly. I know it has nothing to do with me YET. Lakini, Obama and Clinton, come on someone bribe someone and rig those elections.I am not sure which is worse- watching the democrat elections or waiting for the Zimbabwe re-run. DO NOT STONE ME, IT’S THE VOICES THAT MADE ME DO THIS. I AM JOKING. Except for the bit about the democrat elections, I am really tired of 49% and 51%. Someone win already.

WHERE AM I?

At a place called HAPPINESS, PURE HAPPINESS.

Why? Because sometimes like now, actions are speaking louder than words. I would offer you ear plugs so you can’t hear  but  maybe you should hear this. HEAR THE ACTIONS.

P.S. I know what you are thinking…………. and NOPE, I am not mad. Just my joy is three-much.

IS IT APRIL FOOLS DAY AGAIN?

A headline in a Ugandan paper today- the MONITOR to be exact reads, “MINISTERS CRY THEY ARE BROKE”…………………………..are you kidding?Like which one?

You will never know this but I was thinking about you today!

So last night I went to shake a leg and it had been a while. But that is not what this post is about. Whist there (wait- from the post before no-one has told me whether it is an apple a day keeps the doctor away or awake?)(((((((aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh, wikipedia nani?)))))))))Where was I? Yes, at the club there was this guy and I have been thinking about him well, intermittently today.No, he was not good looking , well not in my books at least. He looked like a rat that was feeling cold.You know like a shivering rat- as in that is what this dude’s face looked like,you know, like there was an earthquake going on but just on his face.Anyway moving away from the dude’s face, this guy was on a whole new undiscovered planet (TRUST ME!).I wonder how many people in that place looked at this guy and thought to themselves, “this guy is most definitely sleep walking”. He was smartly dressed for a dream- like the dream where you show up at work naked.That is to say, your dressing quickly wakes you from that dream.Scary.

And do not get me started on his dance moves.Mainly because you do not have to. I will tell you.I think that maybe the co-ordination for the lower part of his body and the upper part are not in UNISON. So it looked like his bottom half was dancing ( and I use the term dancing VERY LOOSELY) to Mbilia Bel’s “phenomene” and his top half was dancing to Desree’s “life”.And for those who know those two songs- firstly you are not right in your heads and number two, you know you can not dance to any of those songs and think you are NORMAL!!!!!!!! IT WAS ALL IN SLOW MOTION TOO. I wish I could find the words to describe this man’s moves.He had one move all through the night- one leg was up in the air but sideways (imagine what a dog does to a tree when it wants to susu on the tree but now imagine that the dog only had two legs- good, I see we are getting somewhere) and then the hand well one hand held the glass of alcohol and then the other hand was swinging in the air like Michael Jackson in Thriller (you know the grave scene-ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh work with me people) and then his eyes well that earthquake was making the eyes look like a cross between a Chinese man and the Tazmanian devil.

Why have I been thinking about this man? Because I wonder, I wondered then and have done today, “did you get home safe? did you know you had walked out of your house and were actually on a dance floor? did you know that you were not dreaming that yes indeed this time you “slept walked” into a club?”

Sometimes I have these dreams- where Nate (who?, yes, Nate from Boyz II MEN is dancing shy guy with me and Denzel, you got it, Washington is crying in a corner - of course crying over me and Will Smith (ha you are getting good at this) is singing Leona Lewis’ Bleeding love on my answer phone BUT I QUICKLY WAKE UP FROM THESE DREAMS before I get to the part where I am actually physically looking for my phone to listen to my voice mail.Why didn’t this man wake up before he walked out of his house?

I hope you got home safe.

Why does an apple a day keep the doctor away?

I think I am not bringing enough paper work back home. Either that or I am seriously ignoring my paper work. Blogging is better right now.

Yes, why does an apple a day keep the doctor away? Ama is it awake? I was taught by someone who said “church lights”- meaning to pronounce SEARCH LIGHTS.And I am really too lazy to re-learn English. The key is communications sio?

People, did you know that doing voluntary work in Bongo comes under “adventure” in travel insurance lingo. So while I was having one of my “I need to help change the world” moments- I volunteered to do some teaching and hands on work (in that field that I call my job).We leave sometime next month. And boy, was I shocked to be told while I was shopping around for travel insurance that most insurers do not take on “such activities”. So getting a little worried that no-one wanted to give me travel insurance I called up, the British **** Association  to say, “okay people, I offered my services but no-one wants to insure us.Apparently what we are doing is too high risk. So people of this association ebu point me in the right direction. This they did. Got the paper work today and the work is classified under “adventure”- how now?And the cost is not funny either.

Anyway so I called up the insurers  and here goes;

3TOC: Can I just ask why it costs an arm and a leg (infact three legs) for just two weeks?

Nice gentleman: Well, ma’am you will be coming into contact with all sorts *(excuse me?)*, and if you should fall sick or die we will readily transport you back here with no extra costs.

3TOC: errrrrrrrrrrrrrr, so if I told you that I will actually be in my own motherland and there will be no need to transport me or my body anywhere, infact you can bury me right there on the shores of Lake Victoria, does my premium come down?

Nice Gentleman: But in the worst case scenario, we will need to transport you back here surely.

3TOC: No sir, all one will need to do is ring my dad ( and that will be a local call) and he will come and pick me or my body.If  by some stroke of misfortune I should get malaria, I am safer being treated where my dad is than you guys binging me back here.They see malaria everyday there, you do not. So what saith thee? do I get that discount?

Nice Man:3TOC, I am not sure whether to take you seriously or not. But what you are setting out to do is dangerous that is why your cover is high.

3TOC: Dangerous for who? I was born like 8 hours drive from where we will be.And  we are not in a war zone. I will be doing exactly what I do here just on less priviledged people.There is nothing dangerous about that.

Nice Man: But you will be exposed to new diseases.

3TOC: Nope, can’t say I will. I have had it all malaria, rheumatic fever, d and v ( I will leave you to work that one out).

Nice Guy:mmmhhh you are funny. But I am afraid we still can only offer you the “adventures” package and I would advise you to take it.

3TOC: Right, I guess I have no choice. But can you guarantee that if I should fall sick, you will fly me to my father’s house not back here for some school of tropical diseases lab to turn me into a lab rat.

Nice guy: Are you always like this?

3TOC: If I say yes, will I get a discount on my insurance?

Nice guy: 3TOC,if I had my way you would. You have entertained me.

And I still have paid the full fee. But why does my voluntary work have to be classed under adventure, just because it is the developing world? It’s the same 32 meno worldwide.

I HAVE TOO MUCH TIME ON MY HANDS- LET ME GO READ A BOOK. Nope watch apprentice.

Of weddings, farewells and more wedding meetings.

She of Naija decent, says that at weddings when the bride walks into the Church and everybody turns to look at her(the bride), she always looks at the groom.She is looking for the look of happiness, fright or “feel in the blank”. I always look at shoes.There is something about weddings and shoes. Then again I always remember two things about people, HOW THEY WEAR their shoes and their teeth. Infact if you asked me to identify people I have met just from their set of teeth…………..well, I would almost certainly get it right. I may never remember your name coz I am bad like that but if someone says, “don’t you remember so and so who was wearing the black shoes with the gold chain”, yaani your face will be uploading in my brain as that sentence is being completed.

About those weddings-I finally have a wedding to attend in London. Do you know how long I have waited for this? OK, I have attended my classmates wedding in London but those were Zungu weddings, you know the ones where they ask you if you are going to eat Salmon or Chicken at the wedding ( and this is 6 months is advance)! So in my diary that wedding will be noted down as “Sheila’s wedding on the 15 Sept and I opted for the fish option”.Like seriously!!!!So not that kind of a wedding.This is a Ugandan wedding, which out of all the weddings of East African origin that I have been to, Ugandan ones take take the cake. Kwanza the bridal shower, the highlight being the “senga” and yes, they have a senga in London. (U, who is about to complain that sijui what- be quiet! I know about empty promises!hehe)Anyway I have a wedding to attend in about three weeks and therefore have the PERFECT excuse to go shoe shopping.

And shoe shopping I will go, because the receptionist at work is getting married too.That is two pairs already, maybe more depending on how many outfits I find to wear to wedding numero uno.

Fare the well, dear friend. I was doing well until I called you tonight. You have been that UNEXPECTED FRIEND. I will try not to miss you because right now I am missing way too many people. I will try not to miss you and I will fail miserably. As my baby brother would say when he felt overcome by emotion- IT’S BEEN REAL. SO REAL.”The road He made for me, is not the road He made for you. So as we chase the dreams we are after, pray for me, as I pray for you. That one day love will bring us back around.”Next stop- heartbreak hotel but not for long huh? Otherwise people might begin to think I live there. Love you loads and thanks until forever. I owe you, me right now. Thanks for holding me up as I went down.Let’s do Kampala when we do Nairobi in……………………

Of wedding meetings. Before I get on my rant about these, can I just tell you one very good reason why I do not want to get married- not just yet anyway. Did I say one reason, maybe more. For starters- I have many wedding songs and yes, I want all of them played and they date back from Luther Vandross’ “here and now”, to Cece Winan’s “promise” to Celine Dion’s “pray”, anyway the songs are many.And as long as these musicians keep writing, I will keep “keeping the songs too”.That was reason number one. I have too many songs- oh did I mention , 4him’s “God of second chance”- infact that one is for walking into church forget what the priest, bishop, sheikh, father says. That one is written in stone. And then once you are married you can never shop for shoes for your wedding ever AGAIN- IMAGINE THAT. And brides do not hold handbags- we have a problem there already. How do I wear some nice shoes (coz believe me they will be nice) and no handbag to match.Kwani where are you supposed to hide the simsim? Does the wedding dress come with pockets?

Back to wedding meetings. The only wedding meetings I have been to have been the Ugandan ones. And by the way these things annoy me to no end. But they are funny.The lengths people will go to to get your dime. They will fine you when you arrive late for the meeting, when you cough “unexpectedly”, when you look at someone “badly”.Yes, funny when it is not your dime they are extracting.The fine is always in cash form.I have an invitation to a wedding meeting- a Ugandan wedding meeting. So I quickly sent my apologies in advance as I am otherwise engaged (sleep). So seeing I was not carrying my mass to go get fined in pounds at that, the groom whom I do not know (other than that he is the groom) took it upon himself to mail me the “shopping list” of the wedding.Could I pick what I would like to contribute to. He was also kind enough to send me the rate of the pound to the Ugandan shilling as it stands at time of posting. Boy, you are too kind.I,however do read the New Vision with my breakfast in the morning.

Guys you are lucky I am not tech-savvy, I would have scanned the budget - it is one of those you have to see to believe.The list has the usual stuff, bride’s dress,shoes,”jewelry” and the same for the groom and his best man and her best woman.I can understand how you might need contribution towards a dress that costs 1,500,000ugshs but for crying out loud-why are we contributing to TOILETRIES? “THATI TOILETRIES COMES TO 10,000″ for the bride and then also for the groom.”Are you seriously telling me that before this wedding, you have been showering bila shower gel? ama your dressing table is bila roll-on.Oh help me out? what toiletries do you need on this day that you didn’t need yesterday? Is there hair gel for grooms Only?As a Ugandan would say, “here die the bewitched”. errrrrrrrrr there was also the contribution to the order of service in the church, 10 films and 2 albums( and the budget for this was bigger than the one for soft drinks!).But here is when I had to laugh-there is money to be contributed towards sending SMSes to people to remind them about the meeting- I hear they are calling it mobilization and air time. Jamani, I am giving you money to buy airtime to text me-YOU MUST BE SMOKING.So if we contribute to all these things- whose wedding does it be for?

Now if this was one of my relatives, I would have done some “abusing” and then contributed like my life depended on it. But this is a girl I went to school with, no correction, who went to the same school as I did and because the diaspora brings people closer, we met at an old girl’s of Namagunga thing and voila I have a budget to contribute to.

My cousin on the other hand has decided , correction her live-in husband has decided that he wants to marry her, 13 years and three kids later and she too wants my contribution. So because she is blood she got it- I first of all assured her that I hope she is wearing crimson for her wedding dress, because for a bride to walk into Church in white with her three teenage kids right behind her is kind of saying to us,”I kind you NOT”.I just hope she wont ask for contribution towards her toiletries- surely by now, her and her husband use the same shower gel.Unless ofcourse he uses radox for men, then as sure as day, I better look for more money for her toiletries.

I have heard it said,

“GIVE A WOMAN THE RIGHT PAIR OF SHOES AND SHE WILL CONQUER THE WORLD.”

And I have also heard it said,

“SHOW ME THE POOREST MAN, AND I WILL SHOW YOU SOMEONE POORER THAN THEM- THEIR WIFE”

Interpretation…………….

Now that I am done laughing I will share this.

I have been planning a  “meeting” with my dad for the last two weeks and we are still pending.He travels alot and he likes “talking” in the privacy of his house. So I have been waiting for daddy to get back.So I got tired of calling the house and vibing the mbooch for like a week, so I sent my dad a text message just to say hi and find out if he has moved house and not informed us.

I get this text in response, “Hello 3TOC, I am still not home yet. I have now taken my car to Nairobi to be serviced.Will be back on Thursday, lets  talk then. LOL Daddy.”

So I read the text and everything is okay until I get to the “LOL Daddy” and I was like, exactly why is daddy LAUGHING OUT LOUD? What is so  funny? So I waited a while then sent back a text with “LOL?”………………………………………………My dad and gosh I love you so, this was like the day my dad ESCORTED by younger brother to a club (long story) but guess what my dad thought LOL meant.

LOTS OF LOVE…………………………so when he wrote LOL daddy, yes, work it out.I was indeed laughing.

I am interested in knowing firstly how my mzee came across the “LOL” .Dare I say this, yes, I will. When the first Harry Porter book came out, my dad was in Washington for some meeting- now on one of his late nights or should this be early mornings, he saw this queue of people waiting to get into a book store. So what does my dad do…………………………….wait, he joins the queue.And dude stands in  line bila asking people why they are there. He was there for hours and he got to the front and bought the first harry porter book that came out. He was a happy man when he was telling us the story and very proud of what he had bought us. Here is the sad bit, this was many years ago………………………..to this day none of us as in all five of the man’s kids has read Harry Porter let alone the one dude lined up for. That particular book, the one he bought sits proudly in the family room- ALONE AND PROUD.

I wonder what he thinks LMAO means- let me guess? love mummy and Oscar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Yes, who is Oscar?

SHAME, SHAME ,SHAME

1. I think we can now conclude that elections on the African continent will never be the same again. How long did it take in Kenya? How long has it taken in Zimbabwe?
2. Who, how, what, when……………………………are you on candid camera? 40 ministers and 50 assistants? Kwani there is someone who needs two assistants? And then they also get a PS after that? HOW has this happened?
3. What the heck is p with Kony? As in Kony that permanent thorn in Uganda’s side.That permanent rebel. He had an assistant sometime last year- I am not sure what that one did but he was killed BY HIS BOSS. Okay, wierd but it happened. So the Boss aka Kony picked another assistant. And I remember at the time I was in Kampala and people were making a joke out of it- DO YOU TAKE THE JOB OR DO YO DECLINE? Either way yo might be killed. Guess what- headlines today in Uganda’s paper, Kony has struck again. Second assistant dead. SERIOUSLY, just fire the guys yaawa.

Just as a side note. About two months ago in Tanzania- the vice president was implicated in a “bribery scandal” and guess what he resigned and when this happens in TZ, the whole cabinet is dissolved. And guess what happened? THE WHOLE CABINET WAS DISSOLVED.As in every minister and his baggage was declared jobless because one man was implicated. And a new cabinet walked in by the end of that week.

I AM JUST SAYING IT CAN BE DONE.

Then again I am not sure what I would be like on those salaries.

I finally found my answers.

So the last couple of weeks have been strange, almost depressing.Infact lets put that down to the past month. My joy was on vacation and strangely enough this weekend, it came back and with a bang.BOOM, BANG, BOOM.

I have always known that I was “solar powered”,let’s just say that tests and experiments have been carried out and yes, indeed I am. Solar power and lots of sleep= a happy 3TOC. Solar power + lots of sleep + re-learning the fact that God’s got my back = a very joyous 3TOC.

I had a fabulous weekend. I made plans and put the plans in motion. But like everything in life there was that small voice that said, “but what if!”.Let’s just say I dealt with those voices with what can only be described as “shoot to kill” tact.So onwards we march.

Lakini there is one man I would like to address, infact you might be a woman, I am not sure. You keep hiding under the name tax-man.Dear sir/madam, whichever one you are. The tax year just ended and you and I know I owe you nothing infact now you owe me. Yes, you heard me, you owe me. Lakini no sooner have you put my account on a slim fit diet than you are writing to me telling me atii a new tax year has started. Firstly, how stupid do you think I am? Okay, do not answer that.

Secondly, I think you should use different paper and envelopes when delivering such good news as “this is the start of another tax year”.Because quite frankly each time I get a letter from you, I panic. Not because I am a thief and think you have now found out that that I-POD I declared sits in my work place actually sits next to my bed!No, it’s not that. I just think that once in a while instead of sending me letter saying,” Miss 3TOC, the tax year 2006-07 had just ended.” Maybe you should send me a hallmark card, thanking me for paying you ALL your monies. ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Mr.Taxman, who do you pay tax to? Do you pay tax?

Infact are the envelopes you put those letters and not to mention the stamp- tax deductable? I think that in this age of saving mother earth, you need to cut down on your correspondence and just send one letter- the one where you are giving me back some money. I thank you in advance.

So about this credit crunch that is upon us whether we like it or not, What about it? Do you know the saying, “money is an excellent servant but a terrible master”.If ever there was a time that was true.So I have decided to buy dollars kibao and store them in my mattress. I have had a “custom made safe” in the mattress!Do not even think of raiding my VOLT because I have not said which mattress it is.

I watched American Idol gives back and guess what I found some of my answers there. This dude sang, “don’t stop dreaming. dream until your dreams come true.” So I went straight to bed to dream. Have my dreams come true, I hear you ask. Like I said, I found the answers.

And then someone else sang, “the rich declare they are not poor. and the rest of us don’t know, we just hope we have enough stuff.” I think that sums up the credit crunch for me.

So, yes, I found my answers and I think that the only way is UP now. I have been discharged from that hospital called “balalo” into the hotel called “kuchakara” and chakara I will do.

Does any woman out there know how to read a map? Why do I ask? Coz in about three weeks, I am driving to Manchester for a conference and there is this dude who has convinced himself that he will have me map-reading before then. And here is my question- if all the other people on the motor way have read their maps, why shoudl I? As long as they stick to their lane and me to mine sii all I have to do is follow signs that say Manchester?Warning to all and sundry- I would avoid the motor way on the 30th of this month. I am on the lost!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I have found the answers- there were always here. I just needed a little bit more sleep and the sun. If I crossed your path in my bid to find them errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr pole.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUARE GOING TO, DO YOU LIKE THE THINGS THAT LIFE IS SHOWING YOU? WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO? DO YOU KNOW ? I hope you do.

Happy birthday to him of seven years. Many, many, many ,many happy returns. Ain’t life strange!